The Climate Dementors
As the Copenhagen Climate conference approaches Climate Alarmists are in a frenzy to try and convince world leaders to implement radical action to drastically reduce the CO2 emissions they believe solely responsible for our Modern Warm Period.
This frenzied response has spawned a new type of Climate Alarmist: the Climate Dementor.
Dreamed up by UK Author J.K. Rowling for her Harry Potter series, the Dementors are soul sucking phantoms who dement anyone who comes into contact with them. They feed on positive emotions, joy, happiness and good memories, forcing victims to relive their worst nightmares.
In the Harry Potter series the presence of a Dementor makes the surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark. Their 'Kiss' sucks out the soul of their victim, leaving an empty shell, incapable of thought and with no possibility of recovery. Rowling's Dementors grow like fungi in the darkest, dankest places, creating a dense, chilly fog.
Similarly Climate Dementors are not only determined to scare us witless about an imagined impending climate catastrophe, they also want to suck all the joy and happiness out of our lives in the process.
Chief amongst them is the former US President Al Gore - the Voldemort of the Climate Dementors. Gore's demented vision An Inconvenient Truth, found to have deep factual errors by a British Judge, is largely responsible for sucking the joy and happiness out of our lives; leaving fear and paranoia in their place.
Al Gore's influence preferentially targets the young. Their little experience of long term weather patterns leaves them vulnerable to the Climate Dementors' touch.
Actors and musicians also appear particularly susceptible to the Climate Dementors' kiss. However, rather than make their own lives miserable, they act as an conduit for the Dementors, passing on their misery to the rest of us while they continue enjoy their lavish Hollywood lifestyles.
This is also true of the Dementors Groupies, the death eating computer climate modellers, whose lives grow rich from government research grants and international travel experiences while they thrust the Dementors' message of green asceticism upon the rest of us.
IPCC Chief Climate Dementor Rajendra Pachauri wants to turn us all into vegetarians making us relive our worst childhood memories of soggy broccoli, limp cabbage and over cooked Brussels sprouts.
Never again will we experience the joy of a well cooked snag, lamb chop or beef steak. With the resulting lack of protein we will become even less resistant to the Dementors' message, leading to a downward spiral of depression, from which we will never recover.
Closer to home self proclaimed public intellectual, Greens candidate for Higgins and Climate Dementor - Clive Hamilton has even suggested suspending democratic processes in order to deal with the "climate emergency". Democracy is of course the fountain of much of our happiness, and hence a natural enemy of Climate Dementors.
As Dementors grow like fungi in the darkest, dankest places they have found a natural home at our ABC.
Not a day goes by that Sydney radio personality and leading Climate Dementor, Deborah Cameron, spreads her message of climate doom and gloom. Sucking all the joy and happiness out of her audience she gets stronger as we get weaker.
Fellow Climate Dementor, Lateline presenter, Tony Jones this year managed to dement Environment Minister Peter Garrett into believing a 6 metre rise in sea levels was imminent, rather than the more modest rise of about 0.5 metres, which is predicted to occur over the next 100 years as suggested by the IPCC.
Peter Garrett still has not recovered from this encounter and remains an empty shell to this day, his judgement forever impaired; just look at what he did to the Traveston Crossing dam.
Climate Dementors also appear to have infested the ABC's science unit - what else would make respected presenter Robyn Williams suggest a sea level rise of 100 metres in the near future?
The Climate Dementors' effect on one poor fellow has been so severe that he has even stopped eating.
The Climate Dementors have kissed our leaders sucking the charisma out of them. Just look at Kevin Rudd, Penny Wong and Malcolm Turnbull. All under the Dementors spell (that would be the Imperius Curse - Kirls), no longer capable of independent thought or action, they foist the death eaters worst nightmares upon us, ignoring evidence from un-demented scientists that demonstrate there is no impending climate catastrophe, perhaps just a pending climate of inconvenience.
Poor Malcolm Turnbull has become so affected in acquiescing to the Dementors demands that he has destroyed the Liberal Party and his own leadership prospects in the process.
It turns out the most dangerous Climate Dementors aren't those like Al Gore or Tim Flannery who have no qualifications in climate science.
Based on recent leaked or hacked emails from leading IPCC scientists from the Climate Research Unit at the University of East Anglia, the worst Climate Dementors are actually scientists who have played a key role in the IPCC.
Sadly it seems they have let their objectivity be swayed by their emotions, rendering their work forever tainted by the curse of misplaced passion, an emotion that has no place in the lofty laboratories of falsifiable science.
In the Harry Potter movies the effects of the Dementors can be treated with chocolate, but as this luxury item uses so much CO2 in its manufacture it will undoubtedly soon be prohibited as Climate Dementors suspend our democracies and impose their own demented dictatorship, leaving us somewhat defenceless.
It seems we will have little relief from these despicable loathsome creatures. Fortunately their other natural enemy, one that renders them senseless, is observational evidence - a real world "Patronus Charm" if you like.
It is well known that Climate Dementors will flee in the face of this data. Data which continues to demonstrate that climate models diverge from real world observations. As the divergence continues to increase, their influence will gradually diminish and one sunny day we will wake to find they have vanished altogether.
As for those emails they will remain fresh in our memories for some time to come.